I had the scare of my life when I read this article saying that as men age – take note, men – their brains shrink. The article didn’t mention of any reason or cause for such a brain-rattling information and why, of all the sexes, it’s singling out the men. I asked myself if it had something to do with the excessive (or the lack of) bodily production of testosterone or something. Or could it be that men...? Aha!
Immediately after reading such article, I felt my little brain tightened, compacted, and shrunk some more. “Oh God, this is unfair!” was all my startled mind could scream. And I shivered to the thought that my already shrunk brain couldn’t now be detected by the MRI or CT-scan (!).
In 2004, both CT scan and MRI revealed that I had a lesion of 1.2 x 1.4 x 1.9 cm in my brain (yeah, I memorized it!). Although the doctors found no direct connection with my disorientation attacks and vomiting with the lesion, I still feared the thing in my head. Now, I have no idea if my lesion has shrunk together with my little brain or has enlarged inside my skull occupying the whole area left by the shrinkage. And the worse thing is it could have already been doing the “thinking” job for me.
When I read this article, I decided that maybe I should stay away from hospitals, or any place with doctors. It’s because I think doctors can figure out just by the look in one’s face whether or not the person has still something in his skull or that the something has already gone. And I could not imagine myself hearing what the doctor might say when he sees me, “Jap, your brain has shrunk to the size of your lesion of 1.2 x 1.4 x 1.9 cm and in addition, your lesion has gotten bigger than your already miniscule brain.”
Since I was in College, I already knew that something wrong was going on inside my skull. Proof #1: I write stupid articles which nobody reads. It’s not really me doing these stuffs but my shrinking brain.
Proof #2: I feel that I’m somewhat stupid. And I feel that I become more and more somewhat-stupid everyday.
Proof #3: Have you experienced blurting at someone, “Where are my glasses, where are my damn glasses?” only to be yelled at in return, “You’re wearing them, idiot!”
Proof #4: When I purchase something, I arrive home without the item which later on found forgotten at the shop. When I tried not to repeat the scenario, it’s the change of my money I forgot to get.
Proof #5: I asked a friend just outside of the supermarket to look after my little five-year old nephew for a short while as I went in to purchase something my mom asked me for. When I arrived home my mom blurted terrifyingly, “Where is Junior? Where is Junior?!!!” to my startled reply “A, er... he is there – left outside of the supermarket!”
Proof #6: When I go to a place to do something and an interruption occurs, say, a friend talks to me, my confused brain as if just waken up from a deep coma after the conversation would ask “Why am I here?”
Proof #7: My room could be locked from the inside and requires a key to open it from the outside. So if I lock it leaving the key inside, there is no way I can open it from the outside. And I’ve been breaking silly into my own room like a thief since the day I occupied it!
Proof #8: I was talking and laughing with this person for like an hour and when we parted another friend asked, “Who’s that guy?” And as if I was doused with cold water, “Err... I don’t know!”
Proof #9: I was talking to this old lady of like 80 yrs old (and I assumed that her brain was still preserved and as large as when she was 18) and probably she remembered she didn’t have my name yet so she asked, “What is your name again?” “Junior?” I answered. “Oh, and I thought you’re already dead!” My mind shrank some more screaming “Arrrgggghhh!”
Proof #10: I noticed an inactive personnel folder filed together with that of the active personnel. When I told this to the staff in-charge, he screamed to alert who might have been responsible, “...and who was the really, really nice guy who used this person’s file and never returned it properly?!” I thought for a while... then looked at him and answered coyly, “Me?”
Proof #11: If something comes to my mind, I have to immediately write it; otherwise, I will forget it.
Proof #12: Err, just a minute... Let me figure out what I thought I should write here. (Thinking, thinking, thinking... After 5 hrs of thinking and tearing of hair) Ok, I give up. My stupid lesioned, shrunk brain had it on me again.
If you experience the same symptoms especially with “proofs 2, 11, and 12” then you’re 100% brain-shrunk. But don’t take it too personally coz you’ve got lots of company. And my advice especially for those who are married, try not to feel insecure with the un-shrinkability of your wife’s brain. You just have to feel confident that even if your brain shrinks, something is compensating. Also, if your wife calls you stupid, demeaning names such as “Shrinking-brain idiot!” or “Atom-sized brain!” just absorb it; it’s literally true and I’m sure it shows.
It also helps to think that you are not the only walking man with a shrunk brain on this planet. “Hey, man, can we go bar-hopping tonight? I feel that the shrinkage of my brain has accelerated. Maybe, we can celebrate. How about you? Has your brain shrunk yet?” That could be a good opportunity to have a bonding with someone you don’t even know.
Well, I guess I still have a lot to be thankful for. First, there are you, you and you who, like me, have shrinking brains, and second, I have a nice, enlarging lesion inside my skull compensating for my compacting, deflating brain.
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I had the scare of my life when I read this article saying that as men age – take note, men – their brains shrink. The article didn’t mention of any reason or cause for such a brain-rattling information and why, of all the sexes, it’s singling out the men. I asked myself if it had something to do with the excessive (or the lack of) bodily production of testosterone or something. Or could it be the overindulgence of the hand resulting to excessive release of semen? Aha!
Immediately after reading such article, I felt my little brain tightened, compacted, and shrunk some more. “Oh God, this is unfair!” was all my startled mind could scream. And I shivered to the thought that my already shrunk brain couldn’t now be detected by the MRI or CT-scan (!).
In 2004, both CT scan and MRI revealed that I had a lesion of 1.2 x 1.4 x 1.9 cm in my brain (yeah, I memorized it!). Although the doctors found no direct connection with my disorientation attacks and severe vomiting with the lesion (which left me with a huge question mark inside my skull whether I wrongly consulted veterinarians instead of doctors), I still feared the damn thing in my head that I never returned to see any doctor again for other opinions. Now, I have no idea if my lesion has shrunk together with my little brain or has enlarged inside my skull occupying the whole area left by the shrinkage. And the worse thing is it could have already been doing the “thinking” job for me.
When I read this article, my resolve not to see a doctor strengthened. It’s because I could not imagine myself hearing what the doctor might tell me, “Mike, your brain has shrunk to the size of your lesion of 1.2 x 1.4 x 1.9 cm and in addition, your lesion has gotten bigger than your already miniscule brain.”
Since I was in College, I already knew that something wrong was going on inside my skull. Proof #1: I write stupid articles which nobody reads. It’s not really me doing these stuffs but my shrinking brain.
Proof #2: I know I’m stupid and I can’t help it. And I feel that I become more and more stupid everyday.
Proof #3: Have you experienced blurting at someone, “Where are my glasses, where are my damn glasses?” only to be yelled at in return, “You’re wearing them, idiot!”
Proof #4: When I purchase something, I arrive home without the item which later on found forgotten at the shop. When I tried not to repeat the scenario, it’s the change of my money I forgot to get.
Proof #5: I asked a friend just outside of the supermarket to look after my little five-year old nephew for a short while as I went in to purchase something my mom asked me for. When I arrived home my mom blurted terrifyingly, “Where is Junior? Where is Junior?!!!” to my startled reply “A, er... he is there – left outside of the supermarket!”
Proof #6: My co-employee said, “Mike, I already gave you the report yesterday”. “No, you didn’t” I answered. “Yes, I did, I placed it on your tray!” “No you didn’t and I’m sure of it!” I said shouting as the poor guy left complaining in disbelief. Then later I found the report somewhere on my desk but for fear of getting caught that my memory lapse had it on me again, I hid it frantically and later, threw it sneakily into the trash can.
Proof #7: When I go to a place to do something and an interruption occurs, say, a friend talks to me, my confused brain as if just waken up from a deep coma after the conversation would ask “Why am I here?”
Proof #8: My room could be locked from the inside and requires a key to open it from the outside. So if I lock it leaving the key inside, there is no way I can open it from the outside. And I’ve been breaking silly into my own room like a thief since the day I occupied it!
Proof #9: I wrote this nasty text message intended to my crazy friend, “You fucking jerk, asshole, dick-sucking maniac...!” and it landed into the inbox of my friend nun who replied, “And you...?”
Proof #10: I always feel tired to do any job. The only things I really like doing are sleeping, eating (and having sex).
Proof #11: Whenever I do something nasty, I’m always caught. But when I do something nice, no one cares.
Proof #12: I was talking and laughing with this person for like an hour and when we parted another friend asked, “Who’s that guy?” And as if I was doused with cold water, “Err... I don’t know!”
Proof #13: I have a phobia on the number 13. So, Shhhh!
Proof #14: I was talking to this old lady of like 80 yrs old (and I assumed that her brain was still preserved and as large as when she was 18) and probably she remembered she didn’t have my name yet so she asked, “What is your name again?” “Michael?” I answered. “Oh, and I thought you’re already dead!” My mind shrank some more screaming “Arrrgggghhh!”
Proof #15: I noticed an inactive personnel folder filed together with that of the active personnel. When I told this to the staff in-charge, he screamed to alert who might have been responsible, “...and who the hell used this person’s file earlier and never returned it properly?!” I thought for a while... then bit my lips and look at him coyly, “Me?” to the huge laughter of everyone.
Proof #16: My brain can’t stand the sight of blood. One time I and my co-employees visited another co-employee whose leg broke due to work-accident. I saw fresh blood and stains and I instantly collapsed. So I left the hospital weaker limping and fainting and on a wheelchair!
Proof #17: If something comes to my mind, I have to immediately write it; otherwise, I will forget it.
Proof #18: Err, just a minute... Let me figure out what I thought I should write here. (Thinking, thinking, thinking... After 5 hrs of thinking and tearing of hair) Ok, I give up. My stupid lesioned, shrunk brain had it on me again.
If you experience the same symptoms especially with “proofs 1, 2, 10, and 18” then you’re 100% brain-shrunk. But don’t take it too personally coz you’ve got lots of company.
And my advice especially for those who are married, try not to feel insecure with the un-shrinkability of your wife’s brain. You just have to feel confident that even if your brain shrinks, your balls are compensating. Also, if your wife calls you stupid, demeaning names such as “Shrinking-brain idiot!” or “Atom-sized brain!” just absorb it; it’s literally true and I’m sure it shows.
And my advice especially for those who are married, try not to feel insecure with the un-shrinkability of your wife’s brain. You just have to feel confident that even if your brain shrinks, your balls are compensating. Also, if your wife calls you stupid, demeaning names such as “Shrinking-brain idiot!” or “Atom-sized brain!” just absorb it; it’s literally true and I’m sure it shows.
It also helps to think that you are not the only walking man with a shrunk brain on this planet. “Hey, man, can we go bar-hopping tonight? I feel that the shrinkage of my brain has accelerated. Maybe, we can celebrate. How about you? Has your brain shrunk yet?” That could be a good opportunity to have a bonding with someone you don’t even know.
Well, I guess I still have a lot to be thankful for. First, there are you, you and you who, like me, have shrinking brains, and second, I have a nice, enlarging lesion inside my skull compensating for my compacting, deflating brain.
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